TOOLS OF THE TRADE

Penitent Order

I take a caveman approach to weightlifting. I pride myself on how little I spend on gym stuff, yet still manage to hit new PR's and crush my short and long term goals. It's kinda my thing now. I am a testament that you don't need most of the shit our fitness industry pushes on consumers. That being said, there are some mission essential items anyone crossing over to the dark side needs to own. Think of them as graduation gifts for outgrowing (out lifting) your garbage mega gym. You are upgrading to an intimate environment that encourages hard work and real strength.  

Like any subculture, motherfuckers love spending money on flare. People wanna look the part before acting the part. I get it to a certain extent but be careful. Coming in hot with the coolest and newest accessories will leave you looking like a soup sandwich caught in the wind. You might as well walk into the gym wearing a sauna suit and ankle weights. How about you test your body before you test your credit card limit Mr. High-speed. Also, despite what your local GNC sales representative says, you don't need to place a down payment on a months supply of oversized, cool looking plastic containers with laughably absurd names.

Todd: "OK, the big day. The first day of my new year, new me program. Just gonna get some stretches in till this Smith machine squat rack open ups. Man, I am feeling a new PR today. Hope there is an extra bar cushion around here. Gonna quarter squat some heavy weight today. Don't wanna hurt my neck."

ITEM #1: A WORKOUT JOURNAL

I found that recording my workouts is not only psychologically rewarding in a Patrick Bateman kind of way, but also great for two other things. First, it shows you quantitative evidence of progress and strength increase. This is crucial in motivating you to push yourself on days you feel weak or deflated. Looking back on your previous lifts, sets, and reps reminds you how far you have come in a short time. It gives you a standard to try and beat on the next session. Second, it hammers the skills for creating workouts, while teaching you to program your own workouts. No one knows you better than yourself. Learn from your previous lifts and adjust them to increase volume, weight, or reps. "Was it too heavy? too light? too black or too white? too wrong or too right? today or tonight. CUMBURRRRRRRSOME." Below is my actual lifting journal.The case is a tactical canvas from Rite In The Rain. The actual leather covered journal was from Barnes & Noble for $8 bucks.

Slots for pens and hi-liters. The Pilot G2 10 is the Rolls Royce of pens. I use it exclusively. Up your writing game player.

Example of how my journal is set up. Day, month, date, and lift scheduled. I give myself room to write notes about the lift if needed. I record the average rest time between certain sets. If the lift was incredibly successful or really hard I note it.

Closer look at my page set up.

ITEM #2: KNEE SLEEVES

I don't know anything about wraps so I am only talking sleeves here. I love knee sleeves. If you have wonky knees, trouble staying warm, or suffer from crippling self doubt when the weight starts getting real then sleeves are for you. I am certain about 60% of their effectiveness is a placebo, but none the less they made a big impact on my squat. There is something about that pressure and heat locked around my knee that makes me fee safe and confident. 

I don't use them every time I squat and I don't use them when warming / ramping up. I like to come in raw and squat with no flare. When I need that boost I throw em' on and keep climbing that weight. By far the best purchase I have ever made in my weightlifting career. I am ashamed it took me so long to get a pair.

I bought these Nordic sleeves on Amazon for $50.

 Never heard of this brand before I bought them but I fucking love them. Excellent craftsmanship, high quality material, triple stitched all around, and the seams mimic the bend of the knee so the wont crap out after a few months. When buying sleeves pay careful attention to the stitching. Don't settle for anything less than a triple stitch and make sure the seam isn't just straight up and down on the sides. Those things will break faster than a pair of booty-ass COBY headphones. I can't speak for any other sleeves personally, but I know my dudes at Rockwell Barbell love the American Barbell Club Premium knee sleeves. ABC is legit as fuck. Those dudes consistently put out high quality products. ABC is also veteran owned and operated. Well deserving of your money and business. 

ABC Premium Knee Sleeves. BUY EM HERE.

ITEM #3: BELT

A belt is a game changer when flirting in the 80-90% range of your 1RM. It is also a must have when attempting new PR's. I own a weightlifting belt but admittedly I did not purchase it. It was given to me by a buddy who upgraded his belt game. Thus keeping my no money on gear reputation alive and well. A decent belt will cost you about $75-$125 dollars. Don't waste money buying a belt any cheaper than that. You want that Hollywood smooth leather to customize as your kill count in the rack increases. Belts are for lifters who are past the infant stage of weightlifting. Don't cinch yourself up in it and spend the whole lift in it. Frankly, its awkward. You are not 1950's In Shape Outta Shape Guy. Master your form and technique first. Save the belt for 80% and above.

For a really interesting insight into weightlifting belts and how important they are to some lifters, check out this article about a skinny turd who went to jail for 12 years and started bodybuilding while he was behind bars. A fascinating article about gym culture of American prisons. Highly recommended you read then ask yourself what your excuse is.

An Ex-Con's Guide To Prison Weightlifting

Daniel Genis is the author of the prison lifting article. This is his belt he made while behind bars.

"The Lone Rangers? That's original. How can you pluralize The Lone Ranger?"

ITEM #4: SHOES

Chuck Taylor's, old school Vans, or even no shoes. If they worked for Arnold they can work for me. Aesthetics brah'.

Another option is the Olympic shoes. I used to be hard line against them but as I continued the powerlifting lifestyle I realized they do indeed have a place in the gym. Above you can see Arnold squatting with his heel up on a 2X4. The elevated heel puts more work on the quads. Oly shoes mimic this foot placement. The shoes are expensive (around $120 and up) but you are only squatting in them so their long lifespan is well worth the higher price tag. 

If you are a cheap bastard like me then just place folded pieces of cardboard under your sole insert on the heel of your shoe. It is the same concept. Just make sure to change out the cardboard frequently.

ITEM #5: THE BIG 3 SUPPLEMENTS

You need to understand that making your body change requires only two things. Eating food and lifting heavy things. You don't need anything else. If prisoners can get huge without a Bodybuilding.com premium membership on cafeteria rations then you need explain yourself. 

What is this fucking internet you speak of? is that for triceps or something? Ive been locked up since '87.

 

So to enhance nutrition we use supplements. These are not the foundation of your diet, these are the tools to give your transformation the advantage. The only three tools you absolutely need are: whey protein, a multi vitamin, and creatine. You can acquire all three for under $100. Plus, even with 2x a day usage they last longer than a month. 

For protein I use Premier Protein. I get it at Costco. It is low in sugar, great tasting, mixes incredibly well, and has 30g of protein per serving. What else are you expecting from protein? 

For multi-vitamins I usually buy store brand men's multi vitamin. Don't get the cheap shitty vitamins that cost $5 bucks for 250 pills. Don't get the $30 high charged, turbo enhanced, unique patent-pending formulated ones either. Compromise and just buy a mid range normal vitamin. They are like $10-14 dollars and last for months. I know you spend that on a single trip to Chipotle. 

For creatine I use Raw Barrel No Bull creatine. It is affordable, high quality, and consistent. Don't be a wet towel and buy some fruity flavor. Get the normal, unflavored, regular ass creatine. Mix it in warm water and put it down your throat. It takes 30 seconds. We gotta stop complicating shit. It's a supplement not a goddamn herbal cleanse. Drink it and move on with your life.  

When your dude walks out of the supplement store carrying something that requires two hands... It better be a fucking human head anything else would be a waste of money.

"What is the true face of a coward? The back of his head as he runs from battle."

ITEMS YOU DON'T  NEED:

Deadlift Straps

Straps are used by people with a weak grip. Which means you are weak. To get from weak to strong what do you do? You address your weakness and fix it. You don't insert a cheat code into a Game Genie and skip the hard stages. Grab the bar with your hands and pick it up. Again, why are we complicating simple shit? Just fucking lift the goddamn thing. 

GAIN GENIE DEADLIFT STRAPS! IGNORE THE WEAKNESS! STROKE YOUR EGO! Gain Genie Deadlift Straps are custom made to give you the illusion of false strength. Gain Genie staps are Instagram compatible right out of the box and will help capture every cant miss pull that is obviously too heavy for you.

Shin Guards 

 Scrapping your shins on the bar during a deadlift means you are doing it right. Pain is a feedback mechanism. Bruised and bloody shins are the meatheads equivalent of stripper knees. Wear you wounds with pride. I know you ain't moving 700lbs for reps. Loose the leg suit. It just messes with your head and gives you more shit to consider when moving weight.

Stripper Knees

Deadlift Shins

Gloves

Is it even necessary for me to address this? Let us save the "no glove, no love" for copulating adults. Gloves are about as cool as a dick wart.

Elevation Masks

"#fitfam #beastmode training with Todd and Mandy for our 5k next month.  EAT CLEAN, TRAIN DIRTY." fucking barf.

It is no coincidence the person using altitude training mask for dumbbell curls and quarter squats is always the least fit person in the gym. Who are you trying to convince? We are suppose to believe you are some elite super athlete looking for the competitive advantage? GTFO. The elevation mask is the dunce cap of weightlifting. Is there also a sticker on your shirt that says be kind to me, it's my first day? I wish gyms had time out corners. The only approved elevation mask is a fucking U.S Government issued gas mask.

"I LOVE YOU FRUITY RUUUUUDY!"

STAY GRIM, HIT THE GYM.

Most High, glorious Lucifer,
enlighten the darkness of my heart
and give me true faith,
certain hope and perfect charity,
strength and knowledge,
that I may carry out
Your true command.