 |
| "And you call me insane. You are privy to a great becoming, but you recognize nothing. To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are an ant in the afterbirth. It is your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble. But, fear is not what you owe me. YOU OWE ME AWE." |
CAN'T HACK IT 101: How to Quit Without Actually Quitting
Methadone Quit:
Slow and deliberate taper of your presence and effort over a 1-month period with unlimited use of "after ...(thing).... i'll be back at it". This defense is used to enhance interest in yourself which fuels the illusion of not quitting within.
Hardline quit:
Complete reversal of previous lifestyle. No attempt made to continue healthy habits picked up over the last year. Falls in line with moving out of the city and/or state. Usually back to your hometown where you are then able to start over with a new circle of friends who will never know you actually quit. Aggressive move but more common than you think.
Silent Quit:
You quit without addressing your leave of absence. You no longer post weightlifting videos but still maintain a strong internet presence showing the other things you are into. Most effective when paired with a new boyfriend or girlfriend. This gives you the ability to do whatever they are into while everyone quickly forgets you ever lifted.
Neck-n-Back Quit:
You sustain a debilitating injury without anyone seeing the actual injury. This leaves no evidence of a single event that can be traced back as the cause of injury. The injury is so bad that you can no longer do ANY form of physical weight lifting to the best of your ability. Remember to pair your injury to your weakest or least favorite exercise. This now gives you the ability to film only your best lifts while constantly listing excuses and reasons in all video posts. This "excuse & reasons" approach discredits negative feedback or judgement. The infinite road of recovery gives you the free pass to maintain cruise control on the highway of mediocre progress. Its keeps people from unfollowing you while maintaining dignity. The most common pairing is knee injury with the squat. The knee is ideal because it excuses you from all forms of running and lower body work but still allows you to deadlift and bench press. Recommended for anyone who isn't very good at squatting or anyone lifting less than 10 months who never played a sport, sleeps all day, is underemployed, and is 35 years or younger.
Running Away:
You lifted weights and made decent progress but suddenly it started getting much harder than anticipated. After a short break from all thing fitness (where you lose 70% of all gains earned) you get really into running. Running is substantially easier than weight lifting. It feels hard but actually isn't. It affords you the opportunity to sweat while watching America's Got Talent on the treadmill (using a 12-14 minute a mile pace) at the gym. This is incredibly beneficial because you can still tell people you "go to the gym". Another advantage is the ability to call yourself a runner on the internet without posting video proof. You simply use a photo of yourself sweating with the caption "cardio sucks". You can also use a picture of some recently purchased brand new running shoes and a water bottle captioning it with "let's get it".
"Work Is Crazy" Quit:
This is the most commonly seen and least contested quit in the field. Work is boring and work that someone who is not you does is even more boring. No one wants details of what exactly is happening at your work which makes this quit so effective. You will never be pressed to elaborate or provide specifics so when in doubt which quit to implement use this one.
New Program On Phone Quit:
This level of quitting intentionally toes the line of full quit and is the newest, most virulent form of quitting out. You never go outside your comfort zone because as fatigue sets in you are forced to consult the programed spreadsheet on your phone and make sure you know your next set and number of reps. This task takes a minimum of five minutes but I have seen it as long as 8 minutes in some. Most commonly seen in girls but guys are also able to effectively use it. Recommended for people who want the internet to know they are a lifter. This tactic brings more attention to yourself, but you are able to defend accusations of quitting by insisting Instagram is your training log. Make sure your account is set to private. It is easy for anyone to scroll through the last two years of your lifting career and see absolutely no progress or change in both physique and weight.
Seasonal Quit:
Mediocre results achieved by implementing mediocre work. Once summer starts you are afforded the opportunity to temporarily quit due to a sudden lust for life and fun. By getting too caught up in the pleasures of summer you get to avoid the gym entirely. You must remind people that once summer is over you are starting a bulk cycle and getting back to the grind. Do not panic as this is only a defense tactic. From the months of November-May you are free to exercise as little effort as you see fit. Use with caution because as summer approaches your workload will have to increase slightly in order to make up for six months of wasted time. This is the primary drawback to this quit.
FACT:
Most people's definition of cardio is embarrassing. Somehow cardio has turned into this companion piece to physical fitness and frankly it's insulting. Its gets its own unique block in programing. People prepare for it like their going to prison. It's become fashionable to joke and complain about. "Oh no its cardio. ooooooo. #cardiosucks #doeseatingcountascardio" When I hear someone bitching about cardio or bragging they did cardio, do you know what I hear? I hear "I am weak." Cardio sucks? fuck you it's suppose to suck. It's hard because you are making it hard. Avoiding hard things doesn't make them any less hard.
"Soft people avoid hard problems"
Check it out. Things are allowed to suck. You are allowed to not like doing certain tasks or dreading portions of your program. That is normal and expected. But please Aristotle, keep your insightful probing on the impossibility of exertion to yourself. AKA shut the fuuuuck uuuuup. Have some goddamn humility and internalize your self pity. Get it done and go on with your life.
Have you ever been assigned a terrible group project that had to be completed on a painfully short deadline? This project (whether for work, school or punishment) has every member in the group very aware of how shitty this assignment is. Now, imagine in that group there is one person who simply will not stop talking about how shitty this project is. Every few minutes this person continues to moan about how bullshit this is. How this is unfair. How it will never get done. I mean in every slight moment of silence this person steals the opportunity of positive group discussion to solve the problem and continually dumps disdain and anger onto everyone. The whole group has reached the verdict that this project sucks. The group agrees and is fully aware how shitty the situation is. No one is arguing otherwise. But regardless of your feelings or opinions it still has to be completed. The person who bitches about cardio, brags how they don't do cardio, or wants a fucking trophy and 200 likes for not dying on a one mile run IS THAT PERSON. We don't need liabilities, we need enablers.
The worst part of this festering turd trend is how it justifies shitty behavior outside the gym. By that I mean it breeds a false sense of reward so people allow themselves to eat a shit meal, drink more than they should, or skip the gym the next day. There are no cheat days or rewards for people who are not putting in 110% of themselves into every workout every week. You are not special and you have not proven yourself. You don't get to have one good week and a cheat day. Actually I take that back, you get a cheat day. It's the day you cheat yourself out of progress and reaching your goals. Damn, that looks like every other day too, huh?
If your cardio is 15 minutes of half-assed shuffle running you are wrong.
If you are watching TV while doing cardio you are wrong.
If you are not sweating and gasping for air you are wrong.
If your cardio is riding on a bike for an 30 minutes texting/gramming on your phone you are wrong.
If you cardio is walking on the treadmill at the highest incline while leaning back and holding the handles you are wrong.
In fact I would venture to say this is the most flagrant violation of hard work I have seen in gyms. I call this exercise the Lean & Dream. This is the ultimate perpetuation of false reward. The only exercise accomplished here is the illusion of working harder than you did. Please, if you are doing this stop. 2 minutes doing the same exercise with no holding or leaning will produce more results than 20 minutes of the Lean & Dream.
Doing things that make you uncomfortable is the entire point of exercise. We lift to achieve the state I call comfortably uncomfortable. Comfort is earned. Comfort cannot be appreciated until you have been stripped of every luxury and driven into a workload that is agonizing, difficult, painful, and far beyond anything you have done in any past life.
DON'T QUIT. DON'T COMPLAIN.
Most people's definition of cardio is embarrassing. Somehow cardio has turned into this companion piece to physical fitness and frankly it's insulting. Its gets its own unique block in programing. People prepare for it like their going to prison. It's become fashionable to joke and complain about. "Oh no its cardio. ooooooo. #cardiosucks #doeseatingcountascardio" When I hear someone bitching about cardio or bragging they did cardio, do you know what I hear? I hear "I am weak." Cardio sucks? fuck you it's suppose to suck. It's hard because you are making it hard. Avoiding hard things doesn't make them any less hard.
"Soft people avoid hard problems"
Check it out. Things are allowed to suck. You are allowed to not like doing certain tasks or dreading portions of your program. That is normal and expected. But please Aristotle, keep your insightful probing on the impossibility of exertion to yourself. AKA shut the fuuuuck uuuuup. Have some goddamn humility and internalize your self pity. Get it done and go on with your life.
Have you ever been assigned a terrible group project that had to be completed on a painfully short deadline? This project (whether for work, school or punishment) has every member in the group very aware of how shitty this assignment is. Now, imagine in that group there is one person who simply will not stop talking about how shitty this project is. Every few minutes this person continues to moan about how bullshit this is. How this is unfair. How it will never get done. I mean in every slight moment of silence this person steals the opportunity of positive group discussion to solve the problem and continually dumps disdain and anger onto everyone. The whole group has reached the verdict that this project sucks. The group agrees and is fully aware how shitty the situation is. No one is arguing otherwise. But regardless of your feelings or opinions it still has to be completed. The person who bitches about cardio, brags how they don't do cardio, or wants a fucking trophy and 200 likes for not dying on a one mile run IS THAT PERSON. We don't need liabilities, we need enablers.
 |
| You are looking for sympathy. You will get none from me. |
The worst part of this festering turd trend is how it justifies shitty behavior outside the gym. By that I mean it breeds a false sense of reward so people allow themselves to eat a shit meal, drink more than they should, or skip the gym the next day. There are no cheat days or rewards for people who are not putting in 110% of themselves into every workout every week. You are not special and you have not proven yourself. You don't get to have one good week and a cheat day. Actually I take that back, you get a cheat day. It's the day you cheat yourself out of progress and reaching your goals. Damn, that looks like every other day too, huh?
If your cardio is 15 minutes of half-assed shuffle running you are wrong.
If you are watching TV while doing cardio you are wrong.
If you are not sweating and gasping for air you are wrong.
If your cardio is riding on a bike for an 30 minutes texting/gramming on your phone you are wrong.
If you cardio is walking on the treadmill at the highest incline while leaning back and holding the handles you are wrong.
In fact I would venture to say this is the most flagrant violation of hard work I have seen in gyms. I call this exercise the Lean & Dream. This is the ultimate perpetuation of false reward. The only exercise accomplished here is the illusion of working harder than you did. Please, if you are doing this stop. 2 minutes doing the same exercise with no holding or leaning will produce more results than 20 minutes of the Lean & Dream.
 |
| Like the murder weapon found in the suspects apartment with their fingerprints and DNA on it. It cannot be contested. |
Doing things that make you uncomfortable is the entire point of exercise. We lift to achieve the state I call comfortably uncomfortable. Comfort is earned. Comfort cannot be appreciated until you have been stripped of every luxury and driven into a workload that is agonizing, difficult, painful, and far beyond anything you have done in any past life.
