Are You A Skinny Wiener? Gaining Weight On A Budget.

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't lift."

Gaining Weight On A Budget:

You wanna put on size. You want to increase your strength. You want to scare people. But, you're not about to overdraft your bank account at the risk of getting fat. I gotchu. This is my specialty. Buying food needed to gain sustainable weight is actually affordable. You will have to man up and understand that you may pony up a little more money up front than you are use to, but the food will last much longer then your usual grocery run. Trust you are making a wise investment.

First, we gotta assume that you are looking to increase by at least 15 lbs. but preferably more. Otherwise, you are wasting time. I don't write blog post that consider competitors or fighters into equation. For them a five pound increase could be the difference between 1st place and 24th place. I write for the common man. The brothers who want to look strong as fuck and be strong as fuck, for the guys who have been lifting for years but don't look like the guys who got them into weightlifting, and most importantly for the skinny wiener who has no shape and wants to get big. (the skinny wiener guys really need to be all eyes on this post). If you are cherry to weight training with a shapeless body the first order of business is to eat everything all the time. You have no dietary restrictions. I'm serious. Start cramming everything, all the time. Come at this project like a professional competitive eater. You need to jump start your body. Flood the crease and get to work in the gym. Enjoy these first few months of asshole level eating while you can because it will be the last time in your weightlifting life that will be the allowed.

Second, the amount you've been eating is obviously not cutting it. You have to make a legitimate effort to increase your caloric intake. It is difficult, definitely annoying, and your stomach is gonna hate you at first. It gets better though. Once your body adjusts to the increase you'll find that nothing seems to stop your hunger. This is a great sign and means shit is working.

Low Cost and Affordable Food:

• oatmeal. Not the packaged sugar molested shit. You get plain as fuck oats. If your a pussy and you need sweetness in your oats then put your own fruit in it. My advice is just to hike up your skirt and throw some peanut butter and cinnamon in it.
• peanut butter
• raw almonds (almonds are expensive no matter where you go. So take the hit because they are a must for between meal snacking or during those marathon lift sessions. The energy they provide is real. You can nearly feel it).
• chicken breasts
• canned tuna
• pasta (100% whole wheat or veggie infused is preferred)
• white rice
• black beans, kidney beans, pinto beans
• cottage cheese
• plain greek yogurt in a large tub
• 100% whole wheat bread
• ground beef (get as lean as you can afford)
• ground turkey
• whole milk
• un-sweetend vanilla almond milk
• avocados (expensive everywhere expect ALDI. they have em for like 50 cents each).
• bananas
• spinach
• talapia fillets
• entire pizza's
• canned chili (low sodium, reduced fat or low fat)
• canned soups (again low in sodium with reduced or low fat)
• lower sugar ice cream 

Many more options available but it all depends on starting weight, goals, and ideal end weight. Until you are advanced enough to navigate your own nutritional needs don't stray from this list. Just get it home and make it fucking work. If dudes from the 1950's can get thick there is no excuse why you cant in 2016.

Remove your spit guard and start eating.

But, but,......I...uhhhhh:

• Anything that is single serving ready will be higher in price. You are paying for the convenience. Get the big tubs and separate your portions at home like an adult.
• Buy your produce fresh. Green veggies and fruit are most nutritious fresh. Frozen veggies arent too bad but not ideal.
• Get your chicken and fish frozen. 
• Get your ground turkey and ground beef fresh if you can, otherwise buy the huge refrigerated portions, freeze them, then thaw as needed
• Everything you get needs to be as low in sugar as possible. Sugar is the enemy. 

Where can I find these items the cheapest?

• Sketchy, rundown Mexican markets forever have the best prices.
• ALDI is without a doubt ground zero for deal you will never forget. Insanely cheap, excellent quality.
• Grocery stores that poor people frequent. Use your best (or worst) judgment. The rule of thumb is the farther south or west it is, the cheaper the prices.
• Costco. It takes a heavy blow to your bank account up front but when its two weeks later and you still have 100 eggs, gallons of almond milk, and endless frozen meat you'll be stoked. If you are sloth like me when it comes to protein shakes then you need Costco;s Pure Protein individual chocolate shakes in your life time now. Best fucking protein shake in the game. Left hand promise. 3g sugar, 30g protein. No after taste. No refrigeration required. The 25 case comes out to like 1.80 per shake. That price it "TOOOO SWEET"!
• Trader Joe's: If you have never been then check it out. It looks expensive but is actually cheap. Solid business plan. Go here for all your seasonings, snacks, sauces, and random protein bars. Take your significant other with you and make them feel like them fancy rich folk. Turn it into a date. Chicks love cool guy alternative health grocery stores. Also when you go to Trader Joe's it's a 93% chance you will be the biggest, buffest, and strongest man walking the aisles. Real talk.

the photograph equivalent of weightlifter shopping at Traders Joe's

I have these things but what do I do with them?

Welcome to bowl life. I'm strong proponent of all meals eaten out of bowls. Gangbang the ingredients together in a plastic bowl and shovel it into your head. Its faster, easier, and much more realistic than that high-speed culinary pornography found in recipe ideas and fitness magazines/websites.

I can't cook, things taste plain, I don't have a large frying pan, one spatula, and a cutting knife.....

You are a man, it is 2016, These are basic tools. teach yourself a skill. I cannot think of a better skill to have then the ability to feed yourself. Get it into your head right now that the gym and the kitchen are connected. Eat and cook the same way you lift. With purpose and discipline. Get your firm glutes into the kitchen and figure it out. Don't worry my brothers. Ill get you started. These are a few of my own creations.

• Poor and Hungry:1 large can of tuna, 1 cup of whole wheat pasta shells, 1 cup veggie pasta, massive handful of raw spinach that you chop up into tiny pieces. Put it together in a bowl, add some lemon juice and reduced-fat parmesan cheese for seasoning. done.

• Bachelor Stew: 2-3 whole eggs and 6 egg whites scrambled, half pound of ground turkey sauteed in a pan, 1 can of low sodium black beans. mushrooms if you want. combine in bowl, season with salt, pepper, paprika. Or us can use an all-in-one seasoning like Lowery's or Weber Grill.

• Custom Chili:get fucking liberal on this one. Nothing is off limits.1 can kidney beans, 1 can black beans, 1 can pinto beans, 2 cans of roasted tomatoes, saute some peppers or whatever gets you off and put it all together. cook it slow and throw a bunch of wild ass seasonings in it.

• Night Cap: a bunch of natural peanut butter, 1 cup plain greek yogurt, 1 cup cottage cheese, 1 scoop of whey protein, 1/2 almond milk, a lot of cinnamon, and some honey for sweetness if you desire. miss that shit and put it in the fridge. 30 mins later you are feasting hard without the guilt of a cheat meal.

• White Privilege Tuna: 1 large can of tuna, 1 whole avocado, mustard (I prefer Trader Joe's mustard seeds), 

I don't know how else to help out the plebe gainers. I've laid out everything for you to do. I'm not gonna cook it for you. So here is the hard part ....YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK. Time to get in the kitchen and crank out some meals that go the distance. All the above recipes can go the distance. lunch and dinner for one day.

get in on that new Cape Fear Program. yacht murder gains.

There is a podcast I follow called Smart Drug Smarts: Brain Optimization. Its all about the different ways to to improve cognition in the human brain. If you recall from previous posts I have stated time and time again that weightlifting is 50% mental. So to improve your mind will naturally improve your lifts. They recently released two really good episodes I recommend you check out.

The first is Episode 75 Creatine: Brains and Brawn? Here is the episode description from their website: "Creatine has long been known as a supplement-of-choice for athletes and weightlifters… but what cognitive benefits might Creatine provide"? I've always said Creatine is one of the very few must have supplements for serious lifters looking to gain weight or increase size/strength.

The second one is Episode 125 Exercise and Cognition "Brains and Brawn, long positioned as polar opposites, turn out to be anything but. In this episode, Jesse talks with fitness trainer Sal di Stefano — also the co-host and resident science geek at the MindPump podcast — about best practices to use physical exercise to enhance your cognition." This dude Sal di Stefano, who's own podcast is generally good, but the episodes are filled with entirely too much small talk that goes off  subject much too often for my patience. Sal drops some seriously awesome knowledge and calls out the entire modern fitness business model that pumps out so much garbage. Really inspiring stuff.

PREPARE TO COPY: 

Standing order is as follows......ALL TEARS WILL BE SHED AND COLLECTED AFTER DARK. If you have tears to shed save them for the night.Your pillow will listen, we will not.

Come back soon my friends. Next post is going live this week. I am in my last week of the spring semester with a 4 week break till summer classes start. Been extra motivated lately and I got a load of content to dump. 

P.S. The Black Metal Fitness merchandise store got a small update. The Sabbath-purple Deadlift shirt is up for sale. Don't spend all your money just yet though. I got a fucking gnarly tank top hitting the store next week as well as the very much sought after Ranger Panties VOL. II. The promised 15% off promo code for everyone who ordered from the first press will be sent to your email when the ranger panties and tank top go up for sale. I'm really excited for everyone to the new gear. Dominate the gym world wide in uniform. Hails!

STAY GRIM.